For some people, an apology often feels like an admission that they are inadequate—that, rather than having made a mistake, there is something inherently wrong with them. Others believe that offering the first apology after an argument is an admission of guilt and responsibility for the entirety of a conflict that involved wrongs on the part of both parties; they think an apology from them will allow the other person to take no responsibility for their own part in the conflict.
Sometimes an apology seems to call added attention to a mistake that may have gone unnoticed. However, in the right circumstances, a well-delivered, appropriately sincere apology will generally avoid all of these issues, and will merely serve to usher in a resolution, reaffirm shared values, and restore positive feelings.
You just have to know when and how to deliver your apology. If something you've done has caused pain for another person, it's a good idea to apologize, even if whatever you did was unintentional.
This is because apologizing opens up the doors to communication, which allows you to reconnect with the person who was hurt. It also allows you to express regret that they have been hurt, which lets them know you really care about their feelings.
This can help them feel safer with you again. Apologizing also allows you to discuss what the "rules" should be in the future, especially if a new one needs to be made, which is often the case when you didn't hurt the other person intentionally. Creating new rules for the relationship can help you be protected from getting hurt in the future as well. Basically, if you care about the other person and the relationship, and you can avoid offending behavior in the future, an apology is usually a good idea.
This doesn't mean that you need to take responsibility for things that were not your fault. For example, you can express regret at unintentionally hurting someone's feelings, but you don't have to say you "should have known better" if you truly feel there is no way you could have known they would be hurt by your actions—this is where creating a new rule can help.
For example, "I'm sorry I woke you! Now that I know you don't want people to call you after 8 p. Taking responsibility also means specifying what you did that you believe was wrong, but can entail gently mentioning what you believe was not wrong on your part. In this way, you protect yourself from the feeling that if you are the first to apologize, you are taking responsibility for the whole conflict, or for the bulk of it. It is also important to remember that an apology can include a simple statement such as "I am sorry that you felt that way.
Admitting that you did or said something wrong, and then apologising to someone for it, can be nerve-racking and scary. Here are some tips that can make it a little easier.
Everyone behaves badly sometimes, even good people. We try to have a positive image of ourselves, and our need to protect that can make sincerely apologising quite hard. Not being able to own up to our mistakes and to apologise sincerely to someone when we need to can harm every area of our life, including in the workplace, the classroom and our relationships.
It can also prevent us from growing and learning from our experiences. Instead, start by thanking the person for allowing you the time to come back to them. In terms of saying sorry when you have something to apologise for, it is better to do it succinctly: you can tell a sincere apology by the fact that it is short and to the point.
Qualifying an apology generally means the apologiser does not fully mean it. Preferably, the apology should be face to face; if that is not possible, then do it over the phone.
There can be a personal dignity in owning up to a mistake, even if the result it yields is not what you'd hoped for. When Ella 26 reached out to a former friend — let's call her Gina — to apologise, it went about as badly as possible. Years before, they'd had a fraught, ambiguous friendship that veered between being sexual and platonic. Instead of raising her concerns with Gina, Ella ghosted her. For Gina, it was upsetting to lose such an intense relationship with no warning or explanation.
Years later, when Ella decided to contact Gina to apologise, after spending time in AA, Gina replied, "thank you for the apology but you were an absolute dickhead. As Ella sees it, this was somewhat ungracious. But despite the fact that Gina refused to forgive her, Ella is still glad that she reached out. I obviously felt aggrieved that she told me to fuck off, but I still think it was the right thing to do. There can be a personal dignity in owning up to a mistake. Rather than anger or gratitude, sometimes the reaction to an unsolicited apology will be straight-up bemusement.
This was the response someone we'll call Gordon 22 got when someone messaged him on Facebook to say sorry for "talking shit and spreading rumours" about him back in high school. At first, Gordon had no idea who this person was, nor any memory of the behaviour in question. After a while, the penny finally dropped — it was his English teacher. Before reaching out to apologise to someone, it's worth asking whether you're overdoing it.
One time a guy I'd been involved with who'd treated me somewhat, but not dramatically, badly contacted me on Christmas Eve to apologise. He had messed me around to an extent, but mostly he'd hurt me by ending our not-quite relationship, which is hardly the crime of the century.
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